'My sister-in-law isn't coping well with my brother's illness'

Dear Coleen

I’m looking for clarity around a desperately sad situation with my brother and hope you can help. He’s in the early stages of a serious disease and recently his wife insisted that he was admitted to hospital.

It’s now been decided that once he’s discharged, he’ll go straight to live in a care home. My issue is that my sister-in-law keeps calling me, wanting to know all about my visits to my brother in hospital, yet she won’t visit him herself.

I’ve reached the point where I’ve stopped taking her calls because it was becoming too frustrating, having to go over everything with her.

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It’s an awful situation for my brother and my heart breaks for him.

The positive news is, he’s beginning to feel much better on his new medication. However, I’m so angry with his wife over her attitude and I don’t know what to do about it. I find the way she’s behaving inexcusable and, frankly, as things stand, I want nothing to do with her. I don’t want to be a go-between and I’m not interested in making her feel better about her choices.

Any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

Coleen says

It does sound as if your sister-in-law doesn’t know how to cope, so she’s removed herself. You don’t specify what your brother’s condition is, but if it’s dementia, I know from experience that people deal with it differently and some people don’t know how to deal with it.

I understand why you’re angry because it must feel like she’s abandoned him, and maybe that’s what it is, but I still think it’s worth talking to her calmly and asking her what she’s scared of. She might admit she can’t deal with it, and you may look at that as cowardly and cruel, or maybe she needs a bit of time and space to get her head around it.

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It might help if you can find a little empathy for her, seeing the man she loves in this predicament. It’s shocking and it’s painful. When my mum had Alzheimer’s, I used to dread visiting her because it was hard to see her in that state.

Thankfully, your brother has you, he’s on the right medication and his needs will be met in the care home. If your sister-in-law doesn’t change her stance, she’ll have to live with that choice for ever, and I guess it’s up to you whether you continue to let her know how he’s doing.

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But when you talk to her, keep in mind that she might just need some support in figuring out how to cope, and she might look at you as being a stronger and more capable person.